On Waiting

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in." -American Beauty 

"Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird." -Anne Lamott

"...wait for the gift my Father promised..." -Acts 1:4

In my last blog entry I wrote how I am motivated to do certain activities such as reading, composing, and lesson planning for no reason other than the pure and intrinsic joy that they give me. Indeed, I am so often engrossed and impassioned by the beauty and diversity of life. God has blessed me with so many gifts and there is just so much I want to do, and see, and experience, and be in this life. I want to be a great teacher. I want to continue to write and share music and grow in my composing abilities. I want to read everything I can get my hands on. I'd like to write books and stories of my own. I want to travel and see the world. I want to make an impact on those I meet and leave the world a better place than I found it. More than anything, I just want to be a great person, and, someday, a great husband and father.

All these goals are well-worth pursuing, but I have recently been struck by how I cannot pursue all of them well at this ripe young age of 22. I compose and read and write and travel and meet and relate and love when I can, but the reality is that the vast majority of my time continues to be consumed by the pursuit of my teaching dream. I might still be able to do all these things in my lifetime, but for now, I have to wait. My dreams of composing and reading and writing and traveling and meeting and relating and loving have largely been slowed down as I chase after the ideal of becoming a great teacher.

With a year in classrooms already under my belt, I am not yet a great teacher. In fact, I'm not even really a very good teacher right now. I struggle to translate my enthusiasm for my content into lessons that are engaging and relevant to my students. I struggle to maintain control of the class and earn student respect. I struggle to connect with my kids and remember what it was like to be in their shoes. I struggle to do anything that will have a lasting impact when I must share a room and classes this year with a considerably more experienced (and Type-A) co-teacher/mentor. I work, and work, and work, and struggle, and struggle, and struggle, and then I work and I struggle some more. And still I am not great. I have been encouraged so many times by so many people that I am going to be a great teacher and positively impact hundreds if not thousands of students. But, for now, I have to wait.

It's even harder to try to achieve all my dreams of greatness when I'm not feeling well. I have generally considered myself to be a pretty healthy person. However, last semester I just felt exhausted and run down all the time. I would come home and take 2-3 hour naps, then sleep for 7-8 hours, then wake up the next morning with a headache feeling just as tired as I did the night before. My coach at MTR was concerned and I was referred to a doctor. I found out that I not only have mild anemia, but also sleep apnea. (For those who do not know, apnea is a sleep disorder where you repeatedly stop breathing during sleep. Your body jolts you awake, you gasp for breath, and then you promptly fall back asleep without remembering any of it. Unfortunately, when these episodes happen every few minutes, you never get to the deepest, most restful stages of sleep. Your quality of life- and long-term health- suffers accordingly).

At first I was surprised and a bit shocked to learn that I had sleep apnea. However, I've come to be less surprised by it. It's simply a genetic inheritance. After a couple of nights doing overnight sleep studies, I am actually excited to get my CPAP machine/mask that will enable me to breathe properly while asleep and get that restful deep sleep I so badly need. But, I know that adjusting to the mask won't be easy, and it will take time for me to recover from my exhaustion and regain the physical and emotional stamina that I need to be able to do anything well, whether it be teaching, composing, writing, or loving. I must wait.

It has not always been easy recognizing that I have to do so much waiting before fully realizing some or all of my dreams. What has helped is the realization that there is more than one way to wait. I am striving to develop an attitude of active waiting.

I'm not a great teacher right now. So, I have a choice. I can sit on the sidelines, work and struggle as little as possible, and wait passively hoping that someday I will wake up and suddenly be a great teacher. Or, I can wait actively and seek out every opportunity to learn something new from my colleagues and students that will help push me one step further on the daunting path toward becoming a great teacher.

I don't have enough time to devote to my music right now. Again, I have a choice. I can sit in my apartment and play my keyboard to myself 15 minutes a day and wait passively hoping that someday some up-and-coming film director miraculously stumbles upon an old recording of "Finding Common Ground" and decides to hire me as the score composer. Or, I can wait actively and use my free time to write out new pieces, one note at a time, a few measures a day, and gradually build up a portfolio of work that I could present should various opportunities (large- or small-scale) arise later in life.

I'm not currently dating anyone and feel overwhelmed at the prospect of adding dating/a relationship/a spouse to my already crazy busy life. Once more, I have a choice. I can wait passively for some "Belle" to fall out of the sky five years from now and everything suddenly be perfect like it was in Beauty and the Beast (3-D or otherwise). Or, I can wait actively and devote what energy I can to investing in the numerous friendships I already have. Maybe eventually, God-willing, one of those friendships, or a connection made through a friend, will lead via a slow, careful, thoughtful, prayerful process into a healthy long-term relationship/marriage.

Waiting is inevitable. It's how you use the time that counts. Passive waiting inevitably leads to failure, frustration, and disappointment. Active waiting may not lead to perfection, but it might lead to greatness, and it will make you a better person, which is probably the most important thing anyone should be striving for anyway.

Life is what you make of it. Your attitude makes all the difference.

"Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!" -Psalm 27:14